


Blood full of toxin

by Im_only_mildly_ashamed



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Fluff and Angst, HIV/AIDS, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-06-01 11:41:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6517177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_only_mildly_ashamed/pseuds/Im_only_mildly_ashamed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Expect sporadic updates.</p><p>In a very cold city, a white-haired man is alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. His mistake,

Monday. 

Nothing.

Wednesday.

Killua never left his apartment.

Thursday.

He smoked for the first time in six years.

Saturday.

He lost a bet to Kurapika.

Sunday.

"That was bullshit."

"That's nice. Do you have forty bucks?."

"You know I'm broke."

"Yes. I do."

They paused as Killua considered this.

"Clever girl."

Kurapika gave a small snort.

"I don't appreciate snark."

Killua buried his face.

"I'm nervous. Please come with me?"

Kurapika frowned. Weak to the person beside him.

"Fine. The rest you're on your own though."

The floors of the church were surprising clear after service.

The circle of chairs between the altar and the benches was a little lopsided.  
The tall man sitting nearly alone looked twice as crooked.

"Leorio!"

The tall man turned and stood to face the offending noise, tracing it to Kurapika.

"Oi, Oi! You better not need patching up again!"

A tiny fond smile crept into Kurapika's features.

Killua filed this information carefully away.

"No, but I brought Killua."

The tall man's face bent, trying to remember.

Then it bent in wide eyed realization.

"Oh. Please, sit down."

Then, a final gesture as he tried to hold on to Kurapika's hand as he walked away.

The loose grip did not last.

He twisted the chair and sat down backwards, facing the center of the circle.

"So old man, what this meeting for?"

"You know what it's for!"

"I do? So this is golf?"

"Kurapika, the only problem with this kid is terminal brattiness!"

Killua's face flashed annoyance.

"Really? So my T-cells aren't at an all time low? So I didn't run out of AZT two weeks ago? I'm not HIV positive? MY GOD MAN, WHY DID NO ONE SAY SOMETHING?"

Leorio rubbed his scruff in concern.

By now, Killua realized his mistake a darted a look at Kurapika

The look accused her of high treason, but he did look back over to Leorio.

And received a thin sheet of paper from a face set in concern.

"This should do for now, but you really need to see a doctor, and my office doesn't charge."

"You're a doctor?"

Nervous cheek scratching and a sputtering was all he needed.

Then, the more pressing question,

"Kurapika told you I'm broke? How often do you guys chat?"

Leorio was blushing.

"Well, you see he and I sometimes, well... she needed some bandages and I jus..."

Killua was chuckling.

"No, no, I get it. "She" needs a playmate..."

Leorio's rage and indigence was cut off by the addition of more to the circle.

It was miraculous how quickly his mood shifted.

Solemn smile on his face, he stood shake hands and greet the additions. 

"Pokkle, it's good to see you. Six months, doing well Hanzo. Gon... you don't have to be here."

Killua looked up at the unusual greeting.

"I know, but these meeting make me kind of... happy-sad?"

He saw a man about his age, with black (and slightly green?) hair slightly taller than his head hair stood up form his head

"Just... try not break down this time."

"M-hmm. Where Palm? She's always earlier than me."

Silence.

"Oh."

Gon was looking at the ground.

The tall man placed a hand on his shoulder.

"She got sick and... she didn't get better. I'm sorry."

This tender moment was cut short by a small click.

They both looked over to see Killua raising a lighter to the cigarette in his mouth.

Before either could react, Kurapika was holding the objects and whispering rushed, quiet words.

Killua responded by nodded once and slumping down in his chair.

Leorio continued as though nothing happened.

"If we aren't expecting anyone else, let's start. I'm Leorio, an Immunologist. I'm HIV negative."

He looked to the person next to him.

"Pokkle, ex-military. HIV positive."

"Ponzu. Bee keeper, currently negative."

"Currently?"

"Yeah, me and Pokkle are careful but last week the condom broke and... well I'm getting tested."

Killua opened his eyes at the pause.

"Oh. Killua. Positive."

Another pause.

"What?"

"Do you have a job?"

"Mmmh? No, unemployed for..."

His face scrunched up.

"2 years?"

"I see. Is that when you found out you have HIV?"

"Yeah I guess so."

Killua wasn't looking at anyone.

"What did you used to do?"

"I dunno some kind of office work. I don't remember."

"Alright then, you have any hobbies?"

Killua pinched his nose.

"I used to be an artist."

"Used to? Did that stop two years ago as well?"

"Aren't there other people?"

Leorio seemed taken aback by the sudden give.

"Sure, Hanzo?"

"Hanzo. Self defense instructor. P-positive."

A paused as green tint turned with the head between Hanzo and Leorio.

"Oh! I'm Gon. I don't really like my job, so I guess I should say fisher? Anyway, negative."

Leorio was smiling a little.

"Alright then, who'd like to start?"

Silence.

"Killua, you mention earlier that you used to be an artist. What kind of art?"

Killua disliked being hounded.

"I used to paint my blood cells white, but I ran out of paint."

Pokkle snickered, and Ponzu smacked him.

Then Leorio surprised everyone with patience.

"Did you like making art?"

"Nope, hated it. All those cells were really small."

"Killua, you seemed ready to answer questions before. Why are you so against it now?"

Killua put a hand to his chin, mocking Leorio's pose.

"Maybe, just maybe, I came to the conclusion that I may not want to divulge my deepest, darkest secrets to a six foot six bearded doctor/basketball player who smells like a distillery with a fetish for 30 year old transgender cat ladies."

1...3...7 veins popped out on Leorio's forehead.

"Hey, Leorio's not a bad person!"

The room turned to look at Gon.

The pout aimed at Killua was intense, his eyes intenser.

"Just because he's asking you questions is no reason to be rude. It doesn't seem like you even want to be here."

"I don't really. I lost a bet with him. See you next week."

He was pointing with a thumb to Kurapika.

"Oh! Kurapika!"

"Hi Gon."

Kurapika was smiling. A little.

Killua felt hugely betrayed, and let his blonde companion know with his glare.

Leorio decided to move on.

They talked about Pokkle and Ponzu's relationship.

And Hazno's rehab.

And Palm.

Gon cried. Only a little.


	2. Opening up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Killua confesses to a room of mostly strangers.

Monday.

Killua ate an entire tub of chocolate ice cream.

Tuesday.

Gon crossed his mind. Twice. He frowned both times.

Thursday.

Kurapika came over to watch the game.

There was shouting.

Saturday.

Killua noticed his palms were sweating.

for some reason.

Sunday.

Ring.

_Ring ring ring._

_Riiiiiiiiing._

"Yes?"

"Hey, It's Killua."

"Oh. Hi."

"I'm on my way to the meeting."

"Oh god. I forgot. I'm so sorry."

"No you didn't."

A pause.

"But I could have. I'm proud of you."

Killua gave an involuntary blush.

Kurapika'd never know.

"Yeah, love you too mom."

He hung up to the noise of offended snickering.

Inside, Killua took the time to flip Gon off.

He responded by sticking his tongue out.

_Ugh. Grow up._

Then the meeting started.

Killua was polite during introductions.

Ponzu wasn't there.

Neither was Hanzo.

There were new additions.

Killua didn't bother to remember names.

They talked about all sorts of things, and Killua wasn't listening at all.

Then, as the conversation lulled, Leorio tried again.

"Killua. You mentioned last week you used to be an artist. Feel like sharing?"

"You know what? I'm also great friends with a transgender cat lady so I'll share. LET'S DO STORY TIME!"

There was a pause after his shout.

"The first time I touched a paintbrush was at the age of three. Pulled it right off my brothers awl and shoved in my mouth. This story doubles as my first trip to the hospital."

A small chuckled rippled around the circle.

"The second important time was six. I painted a giraffe on the hallway walls. My parents didn't appreciate my first steps as an artist."

Another chuckle around the circle.

"I blacked out after dad's fourth kick"

Enter the noise of a chuckle being scared away.

"And h -"

"Whoa, whoa there Loser-oreo, it's not even the good part yet."

Leorio responded with more concern than anger.

"Anyway, let me paint the next dramatic scene for you."

A pause.

"Hehehe... Paint..."

Leorio let out a frustrated sigh.

"Alright, ok. I'm ten this time. Big year, only get to the double digits once. We're in art class. Painting. Can you guess my medium of choice yet? Leorio can't."

There was strangled anger in his face.

"Sorry, last time. Promise. So, I'm painting. A guy walks up, and drags a paintbrush soaked with bright, obnoxious baby blue, all over the picture. From there, I did what I was taught. I broke his nose."

The room was tense in silence as Killua took a moment.

To collect his thoughts or... build tension.

Definitely.

Surely.

Probably.

"After that, I only painted in private. As escape. I would only paint in the shed. Between midnight and two, and I never showed anyone. There was an exception. My sister, Alluka was allowed to watch over my shoulder. The damn angel never said a word."

There was a strange smile on his face, soaked in nostalgia.

"Alright, two more snapshots. I'm... somewhere between fifteen and seventeen. High school, doing gymnastics and history homework and... whatever high school stuff is. I snuck out of my house to go some bonfire party in the forest. There I had the brilliant idea swallowing a mystery pill. I wake up in the shed. I've locked myself in and there's a painting. Stunning reds and purples on paper canvas. It was easily the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. Water paint. I'd never done water paint. A glance at my wrists shows how I got the red paint. If you've never been in a psyc ward, it sucks. My parents were worse."

The air was stilted.

Unnaturally tense.

"Final story. This one's not as fun."

"You don't have to-"

Kurapika had palm on Killua's shoulder.

Leorio had decided it best to call him.

"Go on."

"At this point I'd moved out. I was in a fancy apartment. I paint when I'm high. Only when I'm high. I paint constantly. Needless to say, this was draining on my body and wallet. I had found a dealer. His prices were lower, but I still came up short. He just said we could "make a deal". That was the first time I had sex. It was painful."

Killua's face was totally blank.

It was obvious the only person he was taking to was Kurapika.

The rest weren't even there for him.

"With half off I could afford to make the rent. After of month of "making a deal" he tells me he has AIDS. He waits a month. Mentions it like the weather. I was so mad. I jumped out the window. I shattered six bones. Then went cold turkey. There was vomit and pants shitting and whole lot of tears. Then I got money from Kurapika to get tested. Positive. Then, of course, I got high."

Kurapika's face darkened.

Killua let out a bitter chuckle.

"You didn't know?"

A pause.

"I had my suspicions. Where is all this coming from?"

Another chuckle.

Killua pulled out a red pill a placed it between his teeth.

Then craned his neck back, facing Kurapika to display this pill.

He swallowed.

"Guess."

Then he looked back to the circle and continued like nothing happened.

"Funny part is, I couldn't paint for my life. There was a blank canvas in front of me when I woke up and six destroyed ones in the corner. I didn't use a drop of paint. I get high every week trying to paint anything. Final kicker here, I have no money, they turned off my heat last night, and I'm out of D2. So I'm about to crash like a fridge out of a plane and rent is in two weeks."

Killua's smile was wide and worrying.

Leorio made the tactical decision to end the meeting early.

There were no objections.


	3. His second mistake,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I experiment with formatting and plot progresses.

Outside, freezing rain fell in sheets.

Gon had the total displeasure of trying to wave down a cab.

He paused in trying however, when he noticed nearby conversation.

The tall man and the blonde looked grim.

"That was... depressing."

"Your powers of observation never fail Leorio."

"Neither do your powers of ANNOYENCE!"

Gon's ears strained to hear Kurapika's chuckle through the rain

"He is a good person. I... Thought he was clean."

Leorio took the blonde's chin and turned it to him.

"Hey. Bright-eyes. He's here. He wants to get better. He told you he wasn't."

"I know. I'm just... tired of being let down."

Gon tuned the rest out.

And found a white haired figure next to him.

He was looking at the ground.

 

Gon found himself tugging Killua into a cab.  
Killua found himself being tugged into a cab by the black haired bane of his existence.

Gon tried some explanation.  
"Come on, let's get out of the cold."

Gon noticed the slightly reddened cheeks as Killua mumbled something shaped like a thanks.  
"Sure. Thanks. I guess. Idiot."

They shared the cab ride in silence.

Gon felt inclined to walk Killua to his apartment.  
Gon was following Killua like a stray, with the same kind of innocence.

Gon wasn't sure why he tried to go into Killua's apartment.  
Killua was sure why Gon tried to come in. He was having none of it.

Killua's glare was daggers, pointed at Gon's jugular. "W-what?"  
"Right. Of course. You've got no idea. Good night Gon."

Gon' s face was shaped into a pout before he knew it.  
Gon's pout was adorable. Still ineffective.

"Just because I want to come in doesn't mean I want to- what?"  
"You're buzzing."

Gon stuck his tongue out before turning to pick up his call.  
Killua mumbled "idiot".

Gon picked up the phone to find Kurapika's more concerned tones.  
"Mmmm? Outside Killua's place. I mean, I dunno. He looked real glum. He overheard your talk with- Yeah. Sure. It's for you."

"I- yeah. Ok, but-. ugh. You know I can't... Clever girl..."  
Kurapika's rarely used "order tones" couldn't be refused.

Gon noticed the faints lines of a smile written on Killua's face as he got his phone back.  
"Hey what did you- Why? He hates me. Maybe. (Sigh) Ok."

"I'm going to stay the night."  
"Yeah, I guess you are."

 

Gon noted with great satisfaction that Killua wasn't totally begrudged to let him in.

That could just be his imagination.

The inside of the apartment was the same frigid temperature as the outside.

The interior was mostly empty. A tiny couch, a computer monitor hooked up to a laptop, a very mini fridge, an unplugged stove, and a king sized mattress on the floor.

The main room was a large L shaped space, with a door on the inside wall.

"You can sleep on the couch. We're going to need some food."

Killua handed Gon a fistful of change.

"See what that gets you. Try getting some sleep when you get back. I'll probably be high again when you come back, the pill I shoved is starting to hit me."

Killua grabbed Gon's forearm.

"This is important. Ignore. EVERYTHING. I say."

Gon nodded seriously.

"Ok. I can do that."

"No."

"I... what?"

"No, I'm serious. Ignore EVERY word. If I tell you I'm bleeding out, let me die."

"Woah, Killua you don't-"

"Ignore all of it. I probably won't say I'm bleeding but if I do, ignore it. I will lie about everything."

The intensity in Killua look made the reality of the situation clear.

"Ok."

Gon's response was far more hesitant than earlier.

Killua nodded in satisfaction.

"Alright, see you later."


	4. Closing back up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is teasing, and Killua is pitiful.

Buying groceries with a fist full of quarters will you get you glares, as it turns out.

Gon didn't mind much, but it was a little annoying.

He had decided to tease, but discovered no Killua to complain to.

His first instinct was that Killua had ditched him, but this seemed unlikely given Kurapika's wrath.

"Killua?"

Nothing happened.

"Killua? I'm going home if you're gone."

There was a sub-human groan and slam from the back of the room.

"Kill-uu-aa! Where are you?"

The enunciation let rip tiny shivers up and down Killua's spine. 

Through the hole were doorknobs usually go, he shouted.

"HEY! Booty shorts!"

A little ball of amber pupil peaked through the doorknob hole.

"Why'd you call me booty shorts?"

Killua tried to give the impression of shrugging through the small hole.

"It seemed appropriate."

"Well I did used to wear bright green shorts."

Killua laughed, clear and loud even through the door.

"Of course you did!"

Gon mumbled something a little hurt.

"You were the stupid kid always doing something crazy dangerous right?"

Killua barely suppressed giggles as Gon pouted.

"Well... not ALL the time..."

Killua fell backwards, body nearly spasming with cackles.

Gon waited a moment from Killua to calm.

"ahahah... hehehehe... Anyway can you let me out? The door handle fell off."

Gon grinned an unfitting grin.

"I don't know, you said to ignore everything you said."

"Oi, Gon don't do this to me!"

Gon let out a huge fake yawn.

"I'm sorry, I'll get back to you after a nap."

Killua shouted.

Gon stopped mid step and turned back to the door.

"You what?"

"He. wants. to. Fuck. you."

"Why are you talking in third person?"

"High me and Sober me are different people."

Gon paused to digest that.

"Do you want that?"

Killua was looking at the ground.

"No..."

His voice was small.

He sounded weak.

"I want to paint you."

They spent a moment in silence.

"Some things aren't worth lying about Killua."

"No, GON -"

Gon slammed his fist into the bathroom door.

"Was any of it true?"

Gon couldn't see Killua when he looked through the door.

"Not like you'd care."

Gon lingered for a moment at the door, trying to think of something to say.

He eventually gave up and angrily tried to sleep on Killua's bed.

It smelled like him.

The slight fluttering in his chest frustrated him.

Despite the tangle of confusing and uncomfortable emotions rotting in the pit of his stomach, Gon eventually found sleep.

 

Coming down off a refreshingly honest high, Killua was curled in a ball in his tub.

Crying.

Killua took a moment to dry his tears and trying to remember why he was crying.

A snore wacked against his ear.

Right.

The 180 pounds of green hair, stubbornness, and unabashed muscle crashed on his mattress.

That's why he felt like the emotional equivalent of a train wreck off a cliff into a moving bus made of fire and pain.

Being repeatedly struck by lightning made entirely out of needles.

That is shortly afterwards hit by a plane made by the same company, using similar materials.

He did not feel too well.

This was augmented by the continued downturn of his physical state.

Things normally went from the blissful high to a smidge below normal.

Unfortunately, it seemed as though his body had taken a look at horrid four way collision of his emotions and was immediately enthralled.

He suddenly felt like puke-cry-showering at the highest heat. For hours.

So he did.

Out of respect for his own sanity, he stepped out of the shower to vomit.

Until he curled into a ball in shower.

But it was mostly dry heaving after that.

And in his ball of shame, nausea, and inevitability, he didn't notice the water had turned cold.

At least, until he started shivering.

Then he got out of the shower and got dressed without a second thought.

Or a first.

If he had given it thought, it might have occurred to him that he was still soaked.

His reaction to this realization was less than logical, as he returned to the shower fully clothed.

Thinking that if he was freezing, it may as well be in a shower.

If he was thinking at all.

And that's how he ended up frigid and soaked, fully clothed and curled into a tiny ball leaning on the door of his bathroom.

It was not a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just uploaded 4 chapters, let me know what you think.  
> Comments are greatly appreciated.  
> Shoutout to the one guy gave a kudo before I took this down yesterday. You're a champ.
> 
> Let know know if it was terrible, let me know if it was good.  
> Most of all, let know if you enjoyed.  
> It's all I really care about.


	5. One way or another,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Killua makes unfortunate choices, and we love him anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA!  
> Another update, let all neigh sayers be silenced!

The day Killua was having continued when the door he was leaning on opened.

He gracelessly flopped into the other room.

He was sprawled across the floor soaked with cold sweat and freezing water.

Gon looked at him from the top of his view.

"You ok?"

There was tiny snicker hidden in his voice.

He felt a like crap in a garbage fire on an exploding plane.

and he would be god dammed if he would EVER let Gon know that.

"Of course I am, no thanks to you."

He punctuated this by standing up.

Well, he tried to stand up.

It ended with a stumbling fall forward.

To more snickering from Gon.

He turned his head to the side and gave Gon a hard glare.

His guilty smile didn't move.

"Need a little help there buddy?"

"Not from a broccoli boy."

"Right..."

Gon's tone implied great skepticism .

Killua scowled at the floor a little.

"Don't you have grandma's to help across the street, or do you feel inclined to keep staring?"

Killua wiggled his ass a little.

Gon face took on a strange expression for a moment.

But he was soon marching away, muttering something dismissive under his breath.

Killua took this private moment to try and stand again.

This attempt was met with similar amounts of stumbling, but he remained standing.

Tentatively.

Then, a sensation arose.

It began at about where a heart should be and slowly trickled downward.

Boiling everything inside him alive with white hot, roasting agony.

He curled inward and let out an involuntary a noise, somewhere between and whine and a gag.

He paused with his head in between his knees and tried to slow his quick, shallow breathes.

This pain made it clear that withdrawal had began in earnest.

But something was wrong.

His limbs were completely numb and he had never been so cold in his life.

The massive stupidity of his cold, clothed shower in a frigid apartment became crystal clear.

The world began blurring.

 

Killua could feel a heartbeat.

Coin toss as to whose it was.

It was racing.

Judging by the hunger in his head and the beauty in his gaze, it was his.

But judging by the desperate breath and hypnotic eyes, it was Gon's.

He leaned forward and lost control for a minute.

 

Fireworks.

 

He started becoming aware of his surroundings.

He needed to stop kissing Gon.

It was hard.

God damn it, it was impossible.

The infuriatingly warm limbs swaying up and down his bare back with the kiss planted ~~firmly where it belonged~~ on his lips.

The kiss's bored in to Killua's bones and brain.

Brown eyes devoured most of his thoughts.

Every synapse processing the trillion and one new emotions and sensations exploding in his head.

Except one.

That single sad cell screaming "Don't kill him. You're poison. Stay away."

He shoved Gon back.

He heard stumbling away and a slam into the wall behind him.

He cupped his face, sitting up on the couch.

A hand paused just above his shoulder.

Killua flinched.

_Don't look, don't look, don't loo-_

He looked.

And saw the wounded, broken expression stabbed into Gon's face.

And he hated himself so unspeakably much for it.

He whispered.

"god... I'm sorry. Please... just leave."

and he was alone.

He stepped mutely into the bathroom.

His discarded, still soaked shirt festered on the floor in front of him.

He flung it across his apartment.

Then he stared into the mirror with such absolute hatred it could have burned holes in his reflection.

Before slamming his fist into the glass, shattering it and coating his fist with shards.

Unsatisfied, he dragged the sharpest shard down along the length of his arm.

He walked out of the bathroom, arm still oozing.

He spotted a small brown rectangle resting on his mattress.

Upon opening this wallet, his discovered Gon awkwardly smiling down on him from his driver's license.

And a credit card.

He was suddenly perfectly aware of the correct thing to do.

 

The cabby smelled how he felt.

Like drunken vomit and tears and just tiniest hint of lipstick.

Then he was standing outside the cheapest bar he knew.

Tonpa's pub/diner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, feel free to issue your hateful propaganda, your god given faith, or even something productive/kind!
> 
> Comments keep me motivated.


	6. He got a dog,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Killua's questionable choices continue, and he receives a bundle of joy.

12 drinks and some generous rounding later, Tonpa was getting suspicious.

Not only was the vampire at the end of the bar stone sober, he also still afford to drink.

With "his boyfriend's" wallet.

Tonpa was never wrong pinning someone who could pay.

and he had instantly pinned this scrawny white kid as broke.

Not only that, but he just sat there and sulked.

And to top it off, he kept rejecting customer's advances.

It was understandable, but he could at least get some drinks out of it?

His cockblocking would lead to an end of happy hour for the heavy drinkers.

So he elected to use the wallet he had thrown at him when asked for pay.

**If found, please call 515-808-2362**

Tonpa grinned and tried to stealthily dial.

Killua was having a whale of a time trying drink enough to get anything more than tipsy.

The sad sack of muscle and testosterone sitting next to him and missing the hint was not helping either.

Damn where had that fat ass bartender gone?

He wanted to try more vodka.

"hey, barten-"

The door open and familiar boots tromped inside.

Killua could lie.

But he felt no need to get out of trouble.

He stood up and turned to face the figure blocking the door.

"Killua."

"Gon."

"Are you ok?"

"What do you think?"

"Killua."

Killua took out his over the top airhead voice for a spin.

"Yah babe?"

The mix of fit-bit and daddy issues stood up at this point.

"Wait, you have a boyfriend? After you lead me on all this time?!"

Killua had never spoken a word to the man and still made it perfectly clear he wasn't interested, but he wasn't about to press the point.

Instead, he simply grabbed the frothing man's face and squeezed.

There were choked groans.

Gon gripped Killua's arm.

"Stop."

The way and place he was gripping re-opened the cut running down Killua's arm.

He flinched backwards and retracted his arm.

Killua was so wrapped up in hiding injury, he didn't notice the fluttering in his chest when Gon took him in arm and showed him out.

"Come on Killua, let's get you home."

They did.

And if that had been the end of the night, things would be hugely different for both of them.

But it was Gon's choice to make a questionable decision.

"Killua."

"Mmm?"

Killua turned around to face Gon, taken aback by the intense expression.

"I need a favor."

"Yeah?"

Gon took a step closer and suddenly Killua was painfully aware of the small space between them and recalled in vivid detail what Gon tasted like.

Like a mix of ginger chewies and protein powder.

He felt the heat rising to his face and wanted Gon to talk faster.

"Well, I have this friend..."

Gon was wringing his hands as if trying to squeeze the words from them.

"His name is Knuckle and runs a kind of shelter..."

Killua was sure that his blush stretched from the crown of his head to his fingers.

"Well... He only kind of runs a shelter... He really just has a lot of strays."

Gon's face molded some pleasant, nostalgic smile from his lips.

"So whenever I find one, I bring it to him. Problem is, he just has so many now..."

Killua was about to motion him forward when he spoke again.

"So if you could look after him that would really nice!"

At some point, Gon and Killua moved to be nose to nose.

Pools of amber stared into his skull through the window to the soul.

Sunlight crashed through and roasted away his ability to lie, his ability to think, his ability to do anything but appreciate the honest soul laid bare in front of him.

His head started nodding, strange and foreign.

Gon smiled big and honest, and the sunlight exploded from his expression in waves.

"Thank you Killua, you're the best!"

The warm arms consuming him served to accompany the warm smile.

He nodded again, still mute.

He felt a warm, slightly wriggling weight pressed into his arms.

He stepped up to his apartment, still hypnotized, and set the small furry pup down.

 

Several minutes past, and Killua un-dazed himself.

"Ahhh! I hate dogs!"

The dog turned his head to the side and left his tongue hanging out.

Killua sighed.

"But you are fuckin adorable..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait, you read all of that?  
> Well, it was either the best chapter so far, or the worst, so please for the sake of my sanity, let me know which.  
> Thoughts future smut?  
> It's debatable if I have the talent, and I'm only willing fail spectacularly with a prepared audience.


	7. A better life,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things start to get better.

After tending to his new, tiny companion with the small amount of food he was given, Killua looked to dealing with himself.

He felt guilty, he was sure that was lurking somewhere around in his chest.

Stealing Gon's wallet and using it to buy a train car of cheap whiskey would make anyone guilty.

Gon was innocent and kind.

Truly, actually kind.

and Killua'd done nothing but betray his trust.

It made him disgusted with himself but...

Gon seemed unfazed.

It's possible that he didn't care about the money.

Even if he didn't care about the money, it set a disappointing precedent.

Gon just handed him a dog left.

Apparently meaning he trusted Killua with a dog.

But why? Even if he hadn't robbed Gon, he wasn't qualified to raise an animal.

The spider of guilt webbing around near his lungs was confused and distracted, so Killua set his focus now on the quietly simmering of joy on the back-burner of his brain.

Upon investigation, he discovered it's place of origin.

He found a strange, hidden pride in Gon's trust. The reasons for his trust were questionable, but it still bubbled pleasantly.

and it-

Killua was prevented from completing that thought by the quietly whining pile of fur and gigantic eyes with it's front paws on the couch.

They stared at each other for a long moment.

Then, the dog kicked up his hind legs and tried to catch his weight on the edge of the couch.

He flopped back down to the floor, but tried again.

This time he caught his weight for a moment, but tumbled down again.

Killua finally took pity on the graceless animal and scooped him up in one hand, and spilled him onto his chest.

The tiny black dog stood up, walked once in circle, then curled into a small ball and lay down near the center of Killua chest.

It's breathing steadied, and Killua realized he didn't want to lay awake for hours with only his thoughts.

He also really didn't want to wake the tiny adorable beast on his chest.

So he did something that surprised even himself.

He slept.

 

Monday.

"Oh my god. Killua."

Killua nodded his head decisively.

"Yes."

"What are you doing?"

"FIGHTING THE POWER!"

Killua raised his hand in the rock symbol and played air guitar from the couch.

"Killua you left the door open!"

"Oh. Yeah."

"You have a dog now! What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to get your dog to run away."

"I can just take care of him!"

"HEY! Gon Jr. is happy here! Besides, he's stuck with me now. Orders from on high."

He displayed a text from Kurapika explain that yes, the dog would be good for him, and no he couldn't take it, and yes it was because Leorio was allergic.

"Ok, but that doesn't mean you can just LET him run away!"

"Whoa, whoa, hold your horses. I did say trying."

Killua punctuated this by pointing to the dog, still asleep.

"Oh thank god... Wait why is he on the counter?"

"I made a sandwich."

Killua said, like that explained anything.

Gon retrieved the small dog from the counter, and it wagged its tail and licked at his face to respond.

Then something occurred to him.

"You named him Gon junior?

Killua's heart stopped.

"He eats his own shit."

Killua turned and smiled at the man laughing brightly.

 

Tuesday.

Killua shouted, far end of the room, head in a fridge.

"We're out of milk!"

"What?"

Killua caught his mistake too late.

"I'm out of milk."

Gon got up and walked over for this.

"No no, no no no, you said we."

Killua looked up in fear to find a wide, cocky grin.

He non-started speak again.

"I mean I was..."

"You said 'we're out of milk'."

"Y-yeah what of it?"

"You're thinking of us as together!"

Killua sat on the couch, moving from the subject of conversation.

"Well, I mean you basically live here!"

"I've been around for a grand total of two days!"

"I... Misspoke."

Gon paused, considering this.

Killua actually believed that would be the end of it.

Then skin the color of chestnuts and hair the color of burned guacamole obscured Killua's vision, as Gon leaned his face an inch from his.

"Can I kiss you?"

An infuriating mix of taunting curiosity was felt more than heard as Gon chewed out his question.

Flabbergasted.

Horrified.

Bashful.

A colorful mix of each was added in spades to Killua's expression.

"I-idiot. Where did that come from?"

"I dunno. Just thinkin. Will you?"

"..."

He wanted to. Jesus he wanted to. But someone had made it perfectly clear to him long ago that he was poison, and he'd only bring hurt.

"No."

If Gon was upset, he didn't show it in his expression.

"Ok."

He straightened back out, and walked from the room.

"I have work, see you later."

Killua stood from the couch and turned to his door.

"Gon wait I..."

Gon looked over, he seemed perfectly content to wait.

"Yeah?"

"I... You're not mad?"

Gon paused and thought for a moment.

"Not really. I understand. When you're ready."

Killua dropped his gaze.

"You're beautiful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this one is bigger than usual.  
> Later too, but I made no promises.  
> Please, comments and kudos are the lifeblood of motivation.


	8. friend he could trust,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the week progresses, and Killua's intentions are made clear.

Wednesday

Killua let out a breathy sigh.

Truth be told, the worst part about your life back together is confrontation.

He cracked his knuckles, then his back.

He rolled it shoulder, the tension previously in him slowly ebbing out.

He walked forward and the doors slid out his way respectfully.

The sound of physical activity and rock was somehow euphoric.

He stepped around the ring in the center of the room and to the punching bags in the back.

There were more punching bags now, but given that it was mid-day Wednesday, there was almost no-one there.

The only person there was the 250 pound 6''4' man trying to punch a hole in the bag of sand in front of him.

Killua leaned into nearby wall.

"Bad day then?"

He was ignored.

"I know you can hear me."

The man popped out one of his headphones.

"What?"

"You headphones are unplugged."

Both pairs of eye trailed to the audio chord hanging loose from his side.

"I..."

"You don't have to explain, I don't really care. Where's Satotz?"

The monster of a man smiled.

"You?"

" 'course. I used to come here all the time."

The large man stepped forward.

Killua and he were now an inch or two away.

"Ikalgo"

The man extended his gloved hand.

"Killua."

Killua shook Ikalgo's hand.

At a moment where neither could pinpoint, the conversation had become predatory.

"That Killua?"

"Probably."

They paused and broke their handshake.

"Where's Satotz?"

"He's in the back."

"Right... Have a good one."

Then Killua made a quick gesture. Any passerby would have dismissed it, but to a fighter, it was unmistakable.

A brutal, primal threat.

No one really has a word for it, but you know it when you see it.

And he walked away.

 

"I want Ikalgo."

"I'm sorry?"

Killua leaned further over Satoz's desk.

"I want Ikalgo."

"You storm into my office for the first time in half a year, and you order me to give you a fight with a rising star?"

Killua bristled.

"I'm not ordering. You owe me a fight for the Amori brothers"

"We both know they were no real challenge."

"Exactly."

"People love gimmicks!"

"I had to knock out three people."

Satotz finally paused, his face still impassive.

"How fit are you?"

Killua lamely thought about lying, be decided it to be a waste of effort.

"I came out of withdrawal on Monday, and I've been smoking for two weeks."

"Jesus Chr..."

"I could take Ikalgo."

Satotz let out a long, dragging sigh.

"Fine... I guess I can fit you for Saturday."

Neither one mentioned it was prime fight time.

"Thank you."

Killua prodded a desk-toy and left.

 

Thursday

"Cheadle"

"Yes Killua, I know you're there, I'm just ignoring you."

"Mmmm..."

Killua leaned off her desk.

Apparently, browbeating photographers doesn't work.

Killua flicked a desk toy of choice.

A pair of dolphins that spun in reversing directions.

Flick.

Flick.

"Stop it."

Flick

Flick-flick.

fli-

"Killua."

The weight of a massive hound's breath poured over Killua.

Flick.

Cheadle grabbed his hand.

"Stop."

"Now that you're done with your paper work..."

Killua looked down to see Cheadle's hand still scrawling on her paper despite her attention being on him.

"I... wow..."

"What? You want me to offer you a job? You kicked your last photographer in the face."

Killua grumbled.

"...probably liked it, that sick..."

"And you refused to apologize."

"You have to admit that he's creepy!"

"I don't."

Killua mumbled.

"What?"

"you heard me..."

"I did not."

"What... If I apologize?"

Killua was looking at his shoes, but he still had a clear picture of her face.

Jaw slacked, eyes the size of platters.

"We... We'll see what Hisoka thinks."

 

Friday.

Killua apologized.

Then remembered what being raped by a man six feet away behind a camera felt like.

But Jesus did those shots ever look good.

And the check in his pocket didn't hurt.

He came home with a pocket of valuable paper, and sat down on the couch.

He shuffled uncomfortably.

He lay down across the couch, and held the paper up to the light.

He sighed at the decent number of zeros.

Was he that cheap?

A phone rang.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah he was.

For a loudmouthed, filterless, black and green haired maniac from a tiny fishing Island, he would do anything.

Killua'd woken up on Tuesday to find a flip phone on his nightstand and an accompanying note.

"You don't have a phone. Here, now we can talk more!"

A smiley face of ridiculous size and appearance covered the rest of the note.

Killua had scoffed reading the selfish note, but the freakier side of him was glad he was worth being selfish of.

"Hello? Is this Killua?"

Kurapika's voice caught Killua off guard, but was not unwelcome.

"Hey Kurapika."

The small black dog with an unspeakable name trotted to the edge of the couch and looked up expectantly.

Killua sighed, relented, and picked the small dog up and placed him next to his leg.

"I should come up with a REAL name for this dog." 

"Gon Jr. is a real name."

"Maybe, but I mostly did it for a joke, and I really don't want to to keep it like this."

"What, don't like having your caramel dream boat associated with a mess of black fur that scares itself in mirror?"

Killua made a small squeaking noise.

Kurapika was just teasing him, evidenced by the chuckling audible through the phone speakers, but it still painted him bright red.

"I... I..."

Kurapika laughed more, and Killua's shade grew darker.

The blonde did begin to apologize though.

"S-sorry, I couldn't help myself..."

"It's fine, just caught me off guard."

A pause of significant tone crackled in both ends of the call.

"Are you doing ok?"

"Great. I'm doing ok."

Another pause.

"Cheadle called me."

Killua swallowed

"I didn't know you knew her."

"Business."

"Oh. What'd she say?"

"That you apologize to her creepiest photographer and then worked with him for half pay so you got payed on the spot."

Killua sighed as his pet formed a small ball of warmth in his lap.

"I needed grocery money."

"Gon buys your groceries. You know he wouldn't take money if you offered."

"I know. I'm trying to buy my own groceries."

"It's good to know you want to stand on your own."

"I... yeah. Sure."

"You don't sound sure."

Killua took a deep breath.

"I mean I do want to but, that's not all of it. I need to keep Gon away from me."

"You have a disease, not a cloud of death following you everywhere you go."

Killua shrugged, the small dog shuffling slightly.

"I'd still prefer to keep Gon as far from danger as possible. I'm a danger."

Kurapika paused, absorbing this information.

"That seems cold."

"Maybe. I still have to do it."

"I'm sorry you think so."

"What?"

"You ever think Gon believes you're worth it?"

"No."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahhaha...  
> Chapter of questionable quailty.  
> Hope you enjoyed.


	9. And someone who would never leave.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Killua's fight goes worse and better than expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha, you probably forgot about this.  
> Possibly better that way.

Saturday.

 

Most of the daytime was spent preparing for his fight.

Shadow boxing in his underwear and ignoring his anxieties.

He failed to notice time until it ran out.

A side effect of his headspace.

The race from his room to the taxi to the gym was an intense one.

It was also a vague blur.

His desperate fight to keep everyone at arm's length was temporarily suspended in his mind.

Now he had a more straightforward fight to attend to.

Kurapika was absent.

Working, as she tended to do.

She was after all, a responsible grown adult.

The scum.

Kilua had someone appointed to his corner he didn't really know or trust.

He tried to prep talk Killua, but he wasn't listening.

He was more focused on extending his adrenaline rush, as it was starting to wear thin.

The bell rang.

His rush wasn't thin anymore.

They began the dance, hopping from one foot to the other circling each other.

Then jabs started trading.

Left, left, right.

A rank amatur-

Then smashed in his right hook.

It hurt a lot more than his head slamming to the ground.

The crowd screeched in the background.

He could taste the blood leaking from his mouth.

It tasted of wine and victory.

The referee was ushering his enemy into the corner, but when he looked back Killua was on his feet, dancing back and forth like he hadn't just been hit hard enough to kill a horse.

The referee relented and the match resumed.

With another such of these right hooks slammed into Killua's skull.

He remained nearly stationary.

Behind the blood on his face he smiled.

Then crowd was suddenly silent.

Hiss uppercut slid and easy inch from Ikalgo's face.

His chest not as mobile in dodging his next attack.

Nor the one after that.

Finally when Killua swung around with a hook of his own, the bell rang again.

The crowd was no longer silent.

Ikalgo looked like a shallow baby's breath would cause him to crumple. 

To his credit, he remained standing for four more rounds.

Just, not any more than that.

When the referee raised Killua's triumphant glove at the end, it tugged on a massive bruise he'd missed, hidden on his side.

He barely felt it.

 

The screaming of the crowd rang in his ears even as he packed up in locker room.

The bruise was noticeable.

The concussion was to.

As he swayed his head back and forth, every memory in his life deep fried in agony.

"Lemme see that."

He half tilted his head up to see tan face and brown eyes.

"Gon?"

He made an Mmm-hmm

As he gently inspected Killua's injuries.

"Look up for me?"

Given that resisting Gon's request was difficult at the best of times, concussion and exhaustion made it no easier.

The ceiling looked rather nice that day.

Gon made some concerned noise, but Killua was more focused on warm finger tips.

They stayed there for a little, bits of warmth cris-crossing loosely over injuries of various kinds.

Until Gon moved aside for another, more clinical set of hands.

Killua began to stand.

Gon placed a hand on his shoulder and shook his head.

Killua stopped beginning to stand.

"A concussion and pretty severe bruising. You'll want to see a doctor, but he should be fine for the night."

Gon thanked the mystery medic and watched him leave.

"Come on, let's get you home."

There was a minute or two of bright lights and cold streets, but not for long.

Some kind of Indian blues music was the next step on Killua's sensory journey home.

He can't really look away from Gon.

And Gon's blushing.

About something.

"Hey Gon."

The face looks over to him.

"Can I kiss you?"

Gon seems surprised.

"Killua?"

He askedmostly in surprise.

He shakes his head soon after.

"You're concussed. You can't really-"

"I've had concussions before. This is about a four. The worst I've dealt with was probably an eight."

Gon's brow furrowed, considering this carefully.

"Then why are you asking now?"

Killua shrugged.

"Adrenaline high. Right now I think I stop myself before anything goes too far."

Gon nodded, face bent in concentration at this conundrum.

Finally he spoke.

"If you want-"

He was hardly done speaking when Killua smashed his lips into Gon's.

This surprisingly graceless action temporarily stunned Gon.

The next kiss did not.

Things spiraled steadily out of control.

They reached a state of perfect entropy as Killua slammed Gon onto his bed.

 

Sunday

 

Killua snapped his eyes awake.

He let out a sigh of relief to know he was still in bed.

Then Gon shifted next to him.

Then he realized he was naked.

"Holy shit, Gon wake up."

Gon cracked his eyes open.

Those sleep drowned eyes.

Then those alarmed eyes.

"Killua what is it?"

"Gon we slept together!"

Gon stared blankly at him.

"And?"

"I don't have condoms!"

Gon blinked.

"And?"

"And I have HIV!"

Gon yawned.

"Look, if it was fine for you, I'm going back to sleep."

"What? No! You're probably infected!"

Gon lay back down.

"I don't really care about all that."

"How can you not... ARgh!"

He made a muted a scream into Gon's chest.

"Do you want me to leave?"

There a tint of amusement in his voice.

"That's the last thing I want."

Killua voice sent pleasant vibrations into Gon's chest.

They stayed like for a time.

Eventually, something occurred to Gon.

"Don't you have a meeting today?"

Killua sighed, his head burrowed into Gon's shoulder and neck.

"It can wait."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An imperfect end to an imperfect series.  
> It's better that way.  
> I'm just glad I finished something.


End file.
